Moving up in life

So i finished my associates degree, graduating magnum cum laude and I am almost done the website for work (which isnt my fault but the other guys that it isnt done yet) and I start my bachelors in January.

been awhile

so i havent posted in forever, mostly because i have been wicked sick. today is my nine month with my love, hopefully this is a sign that we can last. i think we will. i love him so much, hes like my other half, without him i dont know what i would do. 

i got my SNHU FA award letter today and im covered so thats more good news.

the doctors have me on cymbalta for, get this, fibromyalgia or however thats spelt. i know i am in pain, but seriously i dont think its that, i mean i joked with nick it was cuz they cant figure out whats wrong with me, but could it really be that? the meds make me sicker and i have to take one on top of that to help with my pain while im getting the drug in my system and they both make me drowsy so thats fun.

got assassins creed revelations and halo CE anniversary edition and skyrim so i am overwhelmed with games to play, but thats never a bad thing. 

classes are going, i think im going to do decently, but with how sick ive been and my gramie its hard to tell.

I wish

I wish i could write a guide book to all the things that make me hurt, that i could be ignorant or not feel, or even that i could just disappear or die. I hate my anxiety, i hate the pain it causes, and i hate the way that without meaning it my bf makes it worse because he doesnt understand and says such words that slice through me like daggers and make me feel like im bleeding profusely from the inside. Is it so hard to understand that i like to hear about his day, his job, his life? i dont care about his computer, his phone, his car, i want to hear about him and when i ask why he didnt tell me about something like a business proposal he gets mad and says why does it matter and he shouldnt have to tell me everything. all i wanted to do was be able to wish his luck. but apparently that is too much. is he trying to make me go away so he will seem like the better person for sticking around by making it unbearable for me? i wish i knew i wish he would just be honest and tell me things. i mean i dont think hes being non honest, he just is just omitting a lot, and i feel more and more like an inept idiot every day. i wish...

When is enough enough

its bad enough when your mother has been tearing you down for years, instead of making you a confident and capable adult she shapes you into an insecure and anxious ridden type-A personality that fears her and her alcoholism. I start my bachelors in January so im trying to square away all forms i asked her weeks ago for her tax forms and had to push for it today so i could make copies and express ship it out before the office closed, well she was too drunk and on the phone an hour ago to sign. now its closed and im fucked. three fucking forms and she couldnt just sign them? REALLY? just have another drink im sure that will make it better.


my bf on the other hand makes me wana curl up and die right now because HE was running late and with the way things have been going i dont think tomorrow will work for seeing him and i expressed so, now mind you he works for sprint and this is the HUGE iphone shit event so its not like "oh you're choosing your work over me" its i think your guna be tired. he got so mad he actually yelled at me to stop saying that and he said hed be there so stop saying he wont. now im afraid to even text him let alone talk to him, i dont want to feel like i have to walk on egg shells when it comes to my bf, and i have been because with me in general i need to walk on egg shells, but this is above and beyond what i normally attempt and its causing me to feel dead inside i just want to see/feel that little bit of blood that will make this emotional turmoil go away but i cant and wont. but oh god do i want to. its tearing me up inside.


I dont know what to do about how i am feeling inside because i feel i have run out of options. my bf keeps saying hes a shitty bf and that im guna find someone and leave him and its not true and i want to scream it in his face i want to beat it into him and i cant do any of that. I need a padded room where i can just scream, cry, tear my hair out and slam my head against a wall until i no longer feel this way.

Progress!

I finally have a photographer to get me on my feet for my suicide girls hopeful process. Ive wasted too much time already and i need to get on this ASAP

When He Makes it Better

My boyfriend doesnt understand me. But with that what matters is that he loves me and he cares about me and he tries, when most people would have already given up.  Last night he brought me a new phone from Sprint, A Samsung Nexus S (needless to say i prefer Samsung products, I have a Galaxy S Captivate, Galaxy 10.1 tab, and now a Nexus and my ATT regular phone upgrade is guna be the Galaxy II) I love him and while i dont need these things its something we can share. So i tested out the front facing camera and we had some fun last night, me and the one i love.

wishes

i wish my mind would work like a normal mind. i cant handle any level of rejection so i avoid the possibility of it at all costs and drive myself insane in the mean time. i start to get anxiety i worry about everything and i start walking on egg shells. my mind needs a reboot.

All At Once

Ever hit that moment when suddenly it seems like everything is happening all at once? It's usually because we ignore the little things until they build up into this giant fuck fest and then all come toppling down at once. me on the other hand pay so much attention to the little things that when the big things happen people can sometimes think i am cold. i am sorry but this isnt true, it just means that i prepare myself in advance in my usual realistic pessimism for the worse so when it happens i dont fall apart. right now i should be a mess. but im okay, not falling to pieces and for the most part only slightly depressed, but i already have depression so this is nothing new. Shit happens and i can be cold and direct when it happens to others but i dont mean to, this is why i love that my bf kind of gets this cold tactless and blunt way i tend to present myself, he doesnt understand why i do it, but he gets it he doesnt attack my character for it and hes there for me. that is what matters in the long run, he cares and hes there for me, on those days when i cant hold myself together and i am forever grateful for this characteristic about him.

Work

Had quite a bit of work to do this week from home. tons of photo editing that just thinking about it gives me a headache. then i had to write little bio and histories for the places and hopefully will be able to integrate that into the facebooks, blogs, and twitters.

on top of that i found out monday i had a research paper due weds, but my bf had tues off so i did it in an hour on weds and it was amazing. then midterm for ab psy. tonight is boys night so i think after i finish more work with writing out descriptions of things for work i will be gaming, napping, then gaming some more. keep me logically sane. plus my lil girl (alpha female ferret) came down with sudden blindness so i have to keep an eye out on her and try to acclimate her to something that she has never had to deal with in her six years on this earth, the poor baby.

other than that still looking for a photographer and hoping for the best.

Living with an Alcoholic

My mother has always been an alcoholic as long as i can remember. both sides of the family are. i can barely stand the taste or smell of alcohol and when i do drink nothing good comes of it. but this is ridiculous. every morning my mother comes home from her third shift job shes never attempted to get out of or make a better situation out of, (for example one of her friends got transferred from the factory to the front office and they paid for her schooling, offered my mom the same and she declined.) shes been at this place for almost 19 years now, and she comes home drinks a 6 pack and stays awake until shes picking fights with everyone. me, family she will call and start fights with, her "friends", neighbors, but shes a functioning alcoholic dont ya know. 


she has a tendancy to come after me when i havent dont anything. literally. i did all the dishes last night, cleaned the bath tub because i washed the ferrets, changed the wee-wee training pads and left the house nice looking. im sick today so i went back to bed instead of work. i wake up and she is screaming about how Dante, my big baby, is missing and he shits everywhere (this was because there was a poop in the bathroom that was put there this morning after i put him away, but you know he can teleport his shit from a cage apparently into the bathroom) now it was almost noon then. she had been up since id have to say 345 yesterday. its not 1242. shes still up.


i made the mistake of walking out of my room because i head banging and i wanted to check on the ferrets and shes there causing the banging and she starts yelling at me again about Dante missing and how he apparently shits everywhere. i was just like oh my god i just heard this 20 minutes ago word for word. she starts yelling incoherent sentences that words are missing from and i tell her i cant understand her and she screams more and louder and even less coherent. then she starts on me, about how i need to move out and take my three ferrets with me. she starts screaming that even if i did it wouldnt matter i wouldnt amount to anything, wouldnt be able to pay for anything, wouldnt be able to do anything because of how useless and worthless i am and how i havent paid for anything these last 4 years. okay 4 year recap. 19- Alan paid for everything til i went to WMU then i had a job and lived on my own, move back home, get a job and bf paying for everything im not, 20 move in with next bf she sure as hell isnt paying for anything. 21 move back in, have job, pay rent and phone bill so cant save to get a car. where did all that rent money go? i dont know but for 7 years theres been this problem where she wont supply food for the house or anything for that matter. i was paying for myself. feb-present, my bf pays for everything except my phone bill. that is the only she pays for. i get food from my bf, clothes from my bf, rides from my bf, everything comes from him, which is why we dont have the $ to move out. i finally have a job after 3 months without one. those 4 phone bills still dont equal how much ive paid in rent. 


okay now justify any of those statements specially when im guna have my associates in dec and starting my bachelors in jan? im a 3.9 GPA student and im far smarter than she thinks she is. 1250. she may finally have gone to her room, but until i hear snoring i wont leave mine. its a dangerous place to live in while shes awake.

Heart Beats

Every morning i wait for a phone call, and my heart beats in impatients. when you dont live with the one you love your heart aches to hear their voice. i know i may be a little over demanding when it comes to the emotional aspects of a relationship, but are we exactly surprised? he kinda sorta maybe understands at times. then the anxiety kicks and its no longer okay. i have to begin to isolate myself as my heart beats start to make themselves known, they grow as if in strength and i can feel it like anyone can see my heart beating, hear my heart beating. it slows and it quickens. my heart...it feels funny. strange. it kind of hurts, its uncomfortable, and still my heart beats as i wait for a phone call.

Gaming Excitement!!

FINALLY xbox downloaded Resident Evil 4 today :) I mean I am only slightly obsessed to get a tattoo why wouldn't I be excited for this :D

Gears of War 3 also came out last night at midnight, I got the Limited Edition, but i still have to start the series so it may take a bit before i get to it because of the need to play RE4. I have too many games!! lol

and the cherry for the ice cream

father calls as class starts. i reject call with "im in class" message. i get back, grammies in the hospital. please you know lets just keep the good news rolling. nicks grampies in the hospital, not doing well, now my gramie is in the hospital with what sounds like having suffered from a stroke. sweeties ashes are in and looking down with Antonio's. Ziggy wont accept the new ferrets and almost tore a hole in Dante's shoulder and its been almost a year since my uncle neil died. fantastic.

Long Week

So this week I got two new baby ferrets, Bruin who I already introduced, and Dante her brother. My poor Ziggy is not happy, hes more of a loner except Lil Girl who is like his mother, shes the last of the original brood other than Zig and i don't think he appreciates the two new babies. he never did like sweetie but we thought it was more of the fact that she was sickly. 








Other than that I worked at The Blue Sky Emporium, moved around my room, went to my friends birthday party and apparently got too drunk, i cant remember after leaving her house much. My bf told me the story and i couldn't stop laughing. Its horrible, but it really is why i don't drink. 

To anyone who isn't a parent, don't get baby ferrets, the only difference is that they don't cry, i swear. i got no sleep last night. still haven't heard from my father and im not surprised. idiot wont admit he was wrong. 

Misguided

I never claimed to be great at relationships. I mean hello, look at my parents, but I am at a loss now because i feel that for once i am not the one doing all the things to screw it up. i mean dont get me wrong i fuck up a lot, but theres trying to fix it and pretending to try and i know im trying, i think he just might not even want to at this point, and right now i can deal with that, but soon it will probably cause me to lose my mind. I love him to death but i only bend so far before i break and when i break the blow out tends to be epic. meaning outright frightening. too much thinking going on and not enough knowing of what to do here. i need guidance, thats for damn sure lol.

Official Acceptance

So i got my official acceptance to the SNHU BS in Computer Science Info. and most of my credits transferred too so thats always a good thing, its puts me at about half the program left to do. the hard half. im so effed lol. my person recommended intro to marketing for one of my first classes. uhg. I printed out whats expected to transfer and what i have left and it doesnt account for my last four classes so i may have even less than that to do. It will be online though so that will make my life slightly easier with the two jobs. 

Oh and we have a new baby ferret female, Bruin, all brown with a white face (nose area with a brown nose really) and hyperactive as can be expected by a baby kit.

Girls Night

tonight i finally get to wear my new little black dress :) going into boston with a friend to stay at another friends for drinks and fun tonight, maybe even that late night fashion shopping or whatever its called lol.
it should be a nice get away though i am going to miss my bf, but you know things happen. and i start my new job saturday morning.

and so much for that

my psycho father came over last night and freaked out at me because he was stressed. oh fucking well, when you fuck shit up on your own and then go the wrong way because you werent paying attention and you live with a frikin woman you just met, you dont get the right to call me a C*** and a fucking bitch because i couldnt answer my phone and run right outside because i was doing dishes and making dinner for you as well, ass hole.

my bf helped a lot last night and i really appreciated it, him being there for me and just holding me.it was all i needed. love. and my father is incapable because he is a selfish man driven only by his wants and needs with no consideration for others. he had the nerve to say dont ask him for anything ever again, guess what dad ive never  asked you for a thing, you always asked me for favors which caused me to have to pull some massive strings half the time so fuck off. you never even paid child support, you didnt help raise me, and you were not useful in this needing a car thing, instead you got a plane ticket to new mexico to meet a woman. so no this is not my burden or my guilt to bare. you have fucked up royally and there will be no forgetting this one.

BAH

everything keeps happening in twos. I get the job for the online management thing and i have to put sweetie to sleep. today get my second job at sports authority in salem and i find out my father has cancer. why cant it just be clack and white why even with my bipolar and anxiety must everything be in shades of gray? id ask for a break but the jobs are the break, so what do i ask for? sweeties dead, dad said they said its 90% chance he'll make it, but with his liver sclerosis and hepatitis god only knows. i mean he wasnt there the first 19 years of my life much as i previously stated in a blog not too long ago. but for crying out loud. and no im not religious and no religion isnt going to make this better. i just need to get away. thank god for girls night thursday or id just give up at this point this is ridiculous.

Gaming addiction

So as i always state, i have a gaming addiction. I wont play out of order (unless its halo but i have my reasons) and i tend to go with games that are in series. i have a resident evil umbrella corp tattoo and used to spend my childhood mornings before school and when i got home playing NES Super Mario Brothers 3. then it turned to pokemon on gameboy because my mother did not approve of gaming in the house so she never bought me systems. i got the NES from my cousin and the game boy from her mom. then at 18 while working at toys r us i got the sexy slim silver ps2 for DDR and resident evil (my father had a play station at his then gfs house so i played resident evil from age 11 and parasite eve) which then also turned to the devil may cry series, but then i moved in with a boy at 20 and he was an xbox guy. when resident evil 5 came out he preordered special edition copy for xbox, great, until he literally broke up with me the next day. i borrowed his xbox then got my own and now im addicted. Assassins Creed, Mass Effect, Resident Evil, Fable, Fallout, and stuff for kinect. non series games i also buy and i have games i still have yet to play. i have a stereo set headphones/mic and a sexy black and red controller. my xbox has an re5 skin, and while i write and read i love playing my games. i decided to take my bachelors to computer info science with a focus in game design and development. masters creative writing. i borrow games and trade like my friend has my bulletstorm and i have his marvel vs campcom 3. I am active on a gaming community, GamerSE.com, and i dont tend to trade in games, even when i hate them, theres something about having them just in case i change my mind. i have collectors and limited editions for New Vegas, Reach, Resident Evil 5, Fable 3, and Dragon Age II. i tried gamecrush, but i dont find myself as active on there. 

 My current collection

 My Bf made his spartan without seeing mine (top his bottom mine)

 needless to say, he changed it lol

 awesome headset/mic

 Master chief is watching you

 my favorite from noble 6

 glitch in new vegas, he was literally stuck in the bar

 umbrella corp shirt

 glitch new vegas, i was inside the scenery

 my character was white, my online husbands character was white, fable III gave us a black son lol

 TAT!

i love my umbrella corp tat

Fathers that werent there

okay so throughout my life my father really has not been there. gone by two for his abuse to my mother and constant cheating and an inability to stay in the picture til i was 12 when he was there for maybe two years because he was in a steady relationship. this man has never and will never grow up. i love him because he is my father, but i out grew him emotionally and mentally when i was ten years old. when i turned 18 he started trying to be in my life. actually it was closer to 19. and i wasnt too accepting but i am not going to be like him. so ive let him in the picture let him do the small things he can do for me, but i am at the point i want to punch him. he is now living with this chick he just met who has a daughter i assume my ageish cuz he said she was coming home this weekend. he barely knows this woman, i know he was just on a date two weeks ago to meet her. the man is an idiot. I just dont even know. he will never learn and  i know that but for the love of god why do i have to be the adult when it comes to both of my parents? yea he didnt raise me but i dont want to hear about ur love life an i have no interest in meeting the new next ex girlfriend, yet i will because i am a good person and i am a good daughter and i want to slam my head into a wall

My father and I at my uncle Neil's funeral

unable to sleep

so insomnia isnt what i would say is my problem. ive been falling asleep all day and waking up all night. insomniacs dont even get the day drowsiness. even my bf passed wicked early the other day and went home at like 3. so here it is 430 in the morning and here i am writing, to whom i dont even know and whether or not these senseless words will be read, but I'm writing them nonetheless. 

Now yes i am not going to lie, i am in my boyfriends Puma shirt and that is a Grumpy Bear pillow case. I have whole Grumpy Bear pj pants, top, tees, pillows, slippers two dif types, paper, notebooks, and like 5 grumpy bears themselves. Oh and the comforter and blanket and poster. but yea, i dont like grumpy bear at all.

im debating on what to do, i switch positions in bed, i made sure my tab was away and off, moved my phone, and took my back pain pills, yet here i still am, even if i put down the laptop i wont be able to sleep. i sleep most comfortably in my bfs bed even though i have a Bob-O-Pedic (a east coast tempur knock off) but that not allowed because his sisters going back to school. another confusing subject cuz she'd never see me, i never go there before11pm, never leave a trace, im not loud and shes gone before im even awake, yet this summer when she would see me and it was obvious i was staying there, there wasnt a problem o-O whatever. this is where the stupid things that defy my logic that i cant fix kick in, which might be why i cant sleep too, oh well.

im guna try to give this sleep thing one last hurrah, and to anyone who does read this, Happy Labor Day.

Anxiety

here's where the funny little fact that i get sometimes damn near debilitating anxiety. it can happen at the most random and unexpected times causing some real issues when things should be perfectly fine. like something unexpected comes up i get this feeling in my chest that makes it feel like its going to implode.it also has this horrible effect of making me either really angry or really upset. numb works too but its not as easily achieved. so right now im self medicating the old fashioned way, and looking hot while doing it lol.

Concerts

I am an East Coast girl, Born and Raised. I have attended concerts mostly in the Boston area, but in Michigan and Jersey too, and I just want it known that those people would not survive a show out here. Not a chance. They dont know how to mosh and when they do they do not use moshing etiquette. Also how hard is it to go in a circle pit? its a frikin circle. This is what happens when as asshole comes out a circle pit the wrong way:

GEE thanks asshole. So I stick to my Boston shows, less of a hassle and better partying.


This past Sunday "hurricane" irene cancelled Uproar Fest to Tuesday and M Shadows of A7x was right, if they didnt, we still would have showed. Its called loved and dedication and that is something that is hard to find in comparison from another place with an East Coaster. We are stubborn and we like to have fun and we are usually sexy. I dont wana brag, but fuck with an EAst Coast Chick and we will Fuck you up. 

And yes, I am proud of Every bruise I get from a show

New to Blogging

So this will be my first non teenage post and those were all on myspace, so hopefully this will be different. Where to start? I have plans for this blog, I'm going to use it to help with opinions from posted pictures of outfits for set ideas ( I am a Suicide Girl hopeful in desperate need of a photographer), and others in general for various reasons, as well post samples of writing, my school work (which for your own safety you should not use) and i would like to hear from the general over populated public on my views, whether or not I will take them into consideration.




Right now I am irritated at the fact that every time things seem to be going right, things go oh so wrong. We've all had those days so I know you know what I mean. Yesterday was hard. I had a second job interview to view my portfolio, and I got the job, $10 hour something I'm good at, and it will never conflict with my classes. I get out and call my mom, one of our ferrets had to go to the hospital the night before because she was bleeding from Spleen removal. I had to take her to the vet but it wasn't looking good. She was a rescue, a fighter that had been found in the wild last year and we got her in November 2010 and though she wasn't going to make it past January. Well, the bleeding wouldn't stop and I could smell the death from her (I used to work at Petco and take care of the animals) so I knew what was inevitably going to happen. We put her down and I patted her head and told her it would be okay she was guna see Antonio, my old man , almost 8 year old ferret, we lost back in April. Now I might even be able to get another job so I can move out and get my own car and start living my life, but I just had to take one. How is it possible to even feel happy when guilt hits and your heart breaks when it does?