I wish

I wish i could write a guide book to all the things that make me hurt, that i could be ignorant or not feel, or even that i could just disappear or die. I hate my anxiety, i hate the pain it causes, and i hate the way that without meaning it my bf makes it worse because he doesnt understand and says such words that slice through me like daggers and make me feel like im bleeding profusely from the inside. Is it so hard to understand that i like to hear about his day, his job, his life? i dont care about his computer, his phone, his car, i want to hear about him and when i ask why he didnt tell me about something like a business proposal he gets mad and says why does it matter and he shouldnt have to tell me everything. all i wanted to do was be able to wish his luck. but apparently that is too much. is he trying to make me go away so he will seem like the better person for sticking around by making it unbearable for me? i wish i knew i wish he would just be honest and tell me things. i mean i dont think hes being non honest, he just is just omitting a lot, and i feel more and more like an inept idiot every day. i wish...

When is enough enough

its bad enough when your mother has been tearing you down for years, instead of making you a confident and capable adult she shapes you into an insecure and anxious ridden type-A personality that fears her and her alcoholism. I start my bachelors in January so im trying to square away all forms i asked her weeks ago for her tax forms and had to push for it today so i could make copies and express ship it out before the office closed, well she was too drunk and on the phone an hour ago to sign. now its closed and im fucked. three fucking forms and she couldnt just sign them? REALLY? just have another drink im sure that will make it better.


my bf on the other hand makes me wana curl up and die right now because HE was running late and with the way things have been going i dont think tomorrow will work for seeing him and i expressed so, now mind you he works for sprint and this is the HUGE iphone shit event so its not like "oh you're choosing your work over me" its i think your guna be tired. he got so mad he actually yelled at me to stop saying that and he said hed be there so stop saying he wont. now im afraid to even text him let alone talk to him, i dont want to feel like i have to walk on egg shells when it comes to my bf, and i have been because with me in general i need to walk on egg shells, but this is above and beyond what i normally attempt and its causing me to feel dead inside i just want to see/feel that little bit of blood that will make this emotional turmoil go away but i cant and wont. but oh god do i want to. its tearing me up inside.


I dont know what to do about how i am feeling inside because i feel i have run out of options. my bf keeps saying hes a shitty bf and that im guna find someone and leave him and its not true and i want to scream it in his face i want to beat it into him and i cant do any of that. I need a padded room where i can just scream, cry, tear my hair out and slam my head against a wall until i no longer feel this way.

Progress!

I finally have a photographer to get me on my feet for my suicide girls hopeful process. Ive wasted too much time already and i need to get on this ASAP

When He Makes it Better

My boyfriend doesnt understand me. But with that what matters is that he loves me and he cares about me and he tries, when most people would have already given up.  Last night he brought me a new phone from Sprint, A Samsung Nexus S (needless to say i prefer Samsung products, I have a Galaxy S Captivate, Galaxy 10.1 tab, and now a Nexus and my ATT regular phone upgrade is guna be the Galaxy II) I love him and while i dont need these things its something we can share. So i tested out the front facing camera and we had some fun last night, me and the one i love.

wishes

i wish my mind would work like a normal mind. i cant handle any level of rejection so i avoid the possibility of it at all costs and drive myself insane in the mean time. i start to get anxiety i worry about everything and i start walking on egg shells. my mind needs a reboot.

All At Once

Ever hit that moment when suddenly it seems like everything is happening all at once? It's usually because we ignore the little things until they build up into this giant fuck fest and then all come toppling down at once. me on the other hand pay so much attention to the little things that when the big things happen people can sometimes think i am cold. i am sorry but this isnt true, it just means that i prepare myself in advance in my usual realistic pessimism for the worse so when it happens i dont fall apart. right now i should be a mess. but im okay, not falling to pieces and for the most part only slightly depressed, but i already have depression so this is nothing new. Shit happens and i can be cold and direct when it happens to others but i dont mean to, this is why i love that my bf kind of gets this cold tactless and blunt way i tend to present myself, he doesnt understand why i do it, but he gets it he doesnt attack my character for it and hes there for me. that is what matters in the long run, he cares and hes there for me, on those days when i cant hold myself together and i am forever grateful for this characteristic about him.